The True Nature of the Ego, and How it Destroys Your Life

We’ve all thrown around the word ‘ego,’ and from what I’ve seen we are largely misusing it. We don’t truly understand it, or it’s power in our lives.

In truth, this part of our personality is usually the part that is in charge and controlling our thoughts and choices, and driving us to do all the negative, destructive, self-defeating, and dysfunctional things we do.

Let’s take a bit of a deeper dive into the true nature of the ego, and create a more clear and useful definition, so you can see it at work in your life, and make more conscious and successful choices.

Many people know that Carl Jung brought the concept of the ego to us in his ground-breaking work. What most people don’t know is that the purpose of his life’s work was to better understand why in the heck humans are so dysfunctional and self-sabotaging and to provide frameworks to move us out of it! He defined the ego as the part of the mind that mediates between the conscious and the unconscious and is responsible for reality testing and a sense of personal identity.

In simple terms, the ego is your identity, or who you’ve decided you are. In other words, we create our ego by creating a personality, and a story. Within this personal story is a collection of memories, beliefs, ideas, and sensations about “who you are,” “where you came from,” “what you’re good and bad at,” “what you’ve experienced,” and on, and on, and on.

A very practical way to think about this is to think of your ego as your ‘lower self’- the part of your personality that formed as challenging and bad stuff happened to you. You made decisions about the world, your place in it, and how to respond to keep yourself OK and make yourself feel better. It has little to do with who you were born as. All of us were born with natural gifts, proclivities, experiences we are drawn to. All of us were born with unique gifts, wiring, and inclinations to do things that brought us fulfillment. This part of you, your nature, evolves in to what I call your ‘Higher Self’- the part of you who knows what you want, how you want to contribute to the world around you, and the ‘rules for living’ that allow you to contribute in the ways you were meant to, and live a life you love. Your ego is constructed as you experienced adversity. Your Higher Self is who you were born to be, and has evolved wiser and stronger as you found meaning in life.

So, you need your ego, and it serves a purpose! Here’s the problem, though- your ego is only meant to be in charge, or behind the wheel, when you are being threatened. Like when a bear is chasing you. It’s NOT meant to be in charge when you are facing complex challenges, seeking big opportunities and navigating the information-rich and chaotic environment we now live in. Your ego is a great part of your personality to lean in to when you need to focus on survival. And that’s about it.

The nasty truth about humans is that we tend to be in ‘survival mode’ about 90% of our waking hours. We are running on auto-pilot, ego behind the wheel, doing all the same stuff we’ve always done when we’re just trying to get by. Which is just fine, if you A) want the same results in life, and B) if the challenges you face are the same old challenges you’ve already mastered.

And neither of things are the case. We all want a great life. We want peace, vitality, wholeness, joy, fulfillment, connection, creativity, passion and fun. And life will keep throwing us curveballs- new challenges that we don’t know how we will overcome. So, we actually need to be navigating our lives from a different place. That is why the concept of the Higher Self is so important. If our ego isn’t behind the wheel, who will drive? I try doggedly to keep my Higher Self behind the wheel, because I’ve learned that when she is driving, I make better choices, I see complexity, I see opportunity, and I just feel better. I don’t stress myself out by focusing on all the things that could go wrong. I focus on what I want, who I want to be, and how I want to show up for those around me. And poof- better choices!

So let’s talk about HOW and WHY our ego makes us do stupid, irrational, self-sabotaging choices? First, the HOW. Our ego’s main focus is to feel better, not BE better. And when we focus on feeling better, we’re focused on the short-term, self-focused path. Not the longer-term path that ultimately leads to joy and fulfillment. And when we focus on our egoic needs (I want to feel important, I want to be safe, I want life to be easy) we’re not focused on the actual solutions to the challenges we face. So, we do stupid, self-defeating crap like armoring up, lying, controlling others, hiding, running away, or trying to make everyone like us. Think about when you were a child, and your felt like your parent was being unfair, or other kids were being mean. How did you respond? My guess is you still have essentially the same initial reaction today. And when you act on it, it gets you the same results it always has.

And finally, the WHY. Why does the ego make us do stupid things? Why would any aspect of our personality be self-defeating? Well, we humans are emotional, irrational beings by nature! Our brains are wired for irrational, self-focused, short-term, survivalist thinking. And we have these interesting things called emotions. When we feel these emotions, we can become triggered. When we are threatened, we have strong, negative emotions that literally hijack our ability to think logically and complexly. Our Amygdala, or the lizard part of our brain hijacks all our brain activity, and our brain stops sending signals to the parts of our brain that can handle complexity. So, we are functioning at the logic level of a 4-year-old. Do you want a 4-year-old making a huge decision in the face of complex challenges? Yup, neither do I. But when we get triggered, instead of thinking ‘my brain is probably not thinking optimally’ we tend to believe the irrational, selfish thoughts the brain generates. And we keep thinking along these old, habitual patterns of thought, and make the same types of choices we’ve always made, so we can get out of pain and feel better.

So, why don’t we just obliterate our ego? GREAT idea! One problem- we can’t. From what I’ve gathered, complete elimination of the ego is not fully possible, but stifling the ego to where you no longer identify with it is a great goal… that about 5% of humans have been able to achieve. It’s basically the state of true enlightenment.

I want to close with a simple, proven strategy to pull out of your ego, and put your higher self in charge. This is a hack that uses neuroscience to redirect the brain, by putting your conscious mind in charge of your brain, moving out of the old lizard brain, and focusing on what will actually work.

In order to put that ego in the backseat, blind-folded and gagged, all you need to do is use this two-step hack.

1/ Embrace your fear, and question it.

Look your fear in the eye, question how rational it is, and choose to courageously and wisely address the true risks of the situation. No running, no fighting, no hiding, no 4-year-old hissy fits. Embrace it. And know you’ve got this.

2/ Shift your attention and focus to what you want in the future.

Instead of focusing on what you don’t want or what you’re afraid will happen, shift to creating a vision for the triggering situation becoming transformed. Put your Higher Self behind the wheel, stand in your empowerment, and be a force for good.

Your ego is like the crusty old outer shell of your personality. It creates thought paths that are fear-driven, self-focused and ineffective. Your higher self is found deep within, when you listen to your heart. Get out of your head- your thoughts are mostly just the same clatter your brain has always produced. Shift in to your heart and listen there. Ask what’s truly important, and who you want to be. There you will find creative solutions that give you energy. Trust that.

“Your vision will become clear when you look inside your heart. Who looks inside, awakens.” –  Carl Jung