I don’t know about you, but for me, one of the biggest struggles at work is the feeling that happens when you start recognizing that the dynamic of trust in a work relationship is changing. I recently had a conversation with someone about this that they’ve given me permission to share with you.
(names have been changed for privacy)
Zach had been in an organization for about 6 months when a new leader took over. Zach had recently been promoted to a new position and was working to develop and expand relationships with existing customers. He was having some success in generating additional revenue and commitments from the client base. He thought he was doing great. However, about 4 months into the role and their relationship, Greg, his boss, began to ask for additional information about Zach’s work that he had never been asked of him before. Greg wanted more details of how Zach was spending his time and asked him for a daily breakdown of how he was spending his time each day.
Zach was really surprised by this, and although he complied, it began creating frustration within Zach because it was additional time to fill this out, and Zach really felt upset about the micromanagement and lack of trust this implied. In response, Zach changed how he communicated with Greg and within a couple weeks of this requirement became more guarded during meetings with Greg, and was not as open in communicating what was happening.
Greg noticed the change in Zach’s behavior and began scheduling additional project deadlines for him. Zach, infuriated by the additional checkpoints and micromanagement, pulled back more from communicating because of the lack of trust he felt coming from Greg. While the deadlines weren’t missed, Zach and Greg’s relationship was drowning in mistrust, and each step taken just escalated the other person further into mistrust.
This story documents what is called “collusion,” Collusion, in this sense, is the unknown collaboration between two or more individuals to erode their relationship. In our real life example above, each action escalated the other person, put them further on the defensive, and the response by each of them eroded trust until eventually, none remained on either side.
Do you remember the analogy from a couple months ago about the trust bank, and how each interaction we have is either a deposit into, or withdrawal from, that bank? When these situations arise, they become a constant withdrawal from that bank, until eventually there’s nothing left.
Unfortunately, in the workplace, this story is not uncommon. We’ve all watched work relationships deteriorate to the point of being unhealthy, toxic, and even unsalvageable.
How do we not only recognize these situations when we’re in them, but more importantly, what steps can we take to alleviate them and begin rebuilding trust to salvage these relationships, and potentially, retain great people who have helped move the business forward?
First, let’s start with how to recognize when you’re in this unhealthy and potentially toxic spiral. Read through the following, and if any of them apply, you are likely in the steps of this spiral:
In every interaction do you feel compelled to solve the problem?
Does communication between you become a question of “how do I get this person to back off and trust me?” Does it consume your thoughts, and even items unrelated to the issue come into question? Is it affecting your interactions with other members of your team?
Are your actions causing reactions that you don’t like from the other person?
Think of our story with Zach and Greg. Greg was feeling a level of mistrust with Zach and how time was used, so he asked Zach to document how he was spending his time. Zach, upset by this, began pulling away and not being as open with Greg. This upset Greg who then began to ask for more things from Zach which escalated Zach to be more frustrated with Greg. Are you seeing the pattern in the story or is this potentially bringing up memories of situations you’ve been through?
Are you feeling alienated and “prickly” about some aspect of your working relationship with this individual?
In our story, Zach began to feel that prickly feeling with Greg about how time was being spent, and Greg was feeling that same thing about Zach.
Finally, do you have this sense that the other person is not being completely honest and upfront with you no matter what you do and there really is no genuine communication?
If these resonate with you, you’re possibly in an unhealthy collusion dynamic. How do we take steps to reconcile this and repair the relationship before it becomes toxic and spills over?
Here are the two big steps that need to happen:
STOP doing everything you’ve been doing.
Whatever your next reaction to the situation is, STOP. It’s very likely the exact thing that is triggering their behavior, and will only escalate the issue. Don’t take another step forward. Acknowledge that there is mistrust and rather than escalating forward, take a pause and evaluate.
Start rebuilding trust by addressing the trust issue, not the behaviors.
The goal here is a conversation around “how can we work better together?” A great way to start these conversations is “I feel like we’re not working well together, and that’s probably on me. I’m not sure what happened, but I want to start talking with you about how I can work with you better so you feel supported, because it’s clear that right now you don’t.”
These two steps help create a dialogue around what’s happening and uncover underlying issues. These types of situations are never simple, and there’s a lot more happening under the surface than we are often aware of. This type of dialogue allows us to focus on repairing the relationship through mutuality and trust, uncovering nuances we may not be aware of, and helps create an environment that seeks to understand the other person’s perspective.
Something to keep in mind is that we’re all human, even at work. This means that we have psychological needs that get met for us that help us do our job, be successful, and feel like a part of the team. When those needs are threatened, it erodes trust, and we should take the steps necessary to restore trust and allow those psychological needs to be met so everyone can return to a state of trust and collaboration.
Our goal at Mission Squared is to help you and your teams not only identify these situations but equip you with the tools to fix them so your team and business can thrive! If you can identify with the story of Zach and Greg and you don’t want the same thing, we invite you to give us a call to talk more about how we can help your organization create a more cohesive and trusting team.