I currently find myself in the very odd situation of providing transformational skill-building in emotional intelligence. I never saw myself doing this, or being so transformed by it myself. But the truth of the matter is, I can’t help people be more successful, or better leaders, without addressing this head-on. And best of all, I can’t tell you how many hilarious stories I have because of this very interesting vocation, as well as many, many tear-inducing moments. Let’s start with a funny story…
I started working with an organization in the way that I usually begin- an organizational assessment. As a part of this, I held a focus group of all front-line staff (no management) and a second focus group of managers. In each focus group, the people in the room became very enthusiastic about the idea of having emotional intelligence training… for the other group. Staff felt that the heart of the problems in the organization’s culture had to do with low emotional intelligence with the leadership, and the leadership believed the same about them. And most people did not feel that THEY needed to participate in the training. Best of all, when I asked what emotional intelligence was, no one could answer.
Everyone seems to be throwing the term around these days. In reality, there are numerous definitions out there for Emotional Intelligence, many of which are much, much more comprehensive than other, more limited definitions. A common definition, and one of the most limited, is ‘the ability to manage both your own emotions and understand the emotions of people around you.’ That definition, in my view, glosses over ‘manage and understand’ emotions, and the numerous skills involved on those feats. I like this more comprehensive definition a little better: ‘the capacity to be aware of, control, and express one\’s emotions, and to handle interpersonal relationships judiciously and empathetically.’
I have found that the essentials of EQ, or navigate and USE emotional awareness to your benefit, is really about many abilities, including knowing what you’re feeling, why you’re feeling it, managing it, using that data to make better choices, AND knowing how to perceive what emotions are coming up in other people, and how to navigate their emotions in a way that is empathetic and constructive for both of you. When you say it like that, we ALL need emotional intelligence skill building. It’s a lifelong labor of love!
Let’s talk about what a LACK of emotional intelligence looks like. That seems to be something we can agree on! Here we go:
1. Losing my temper on someone
2. Letting negative emotions get the best of me
3. Giving up easily
4. Inability to trust others
5. Controlling or dominating others
6. Being defensive
After my deep work in this realm, I would add a few behaviors that might surprise you:
1. ‘compartmentalizing’ emotions or stuffing them away instead of listening to them
2. Justifying choices I make that are not optimal or loving for everyone involved
3. Letting people walk all over me
In essence, the process of developing your emotional intelligence starts with basic skills of identifying your feelings, managing your initial impulses, and knowing why you are feeling how you are feeling. The deeper work comes in when you start to learn from your emotions and use triggering situations and negative feelings to learn and grow as a person. Kinda sounds like adulting, doesn’t it? Well, it is. It’s essentially maturation.
And it’s easier said than done. We’ve all been wounded and hung up by traumatic experiences and childhood programming that has led us to have limiting beliefs that hold us in a place of survival and ego. This is not work for the feint of heart. In my work with hundreds of people, I’ve seen immense bravery and passion as people face their crap, stand up against their own failed approaches and beliefs that are holding them back. It’s incredible work, transformational work, and work that will fundamentally change your life.
I find that limited definitions of emotional intelligence hold us back from seeing the potential and transformative impact of developing these skills. It will change you. It will change how you experience the world, and thus how you move through it. And that, my friends will change the world around you. If we all work on freeing ourselves from old, egoic beliefs we will set each other free. If we intentionally pull out of the habit of surviving negative emotions and instead learn and grow from them, we will change the world. That’s not just a little skill-building. It’s a revolution.