We’ve all experienced a team that’s gelled perfectly. A team where everyone just ‘gets’ each other, works quickly and well together, and actually enjoys being around each other. And, unfortunately, most of us have experienced the opposite. A group of people we dread being around, or certain individuals who have the ability to suck our souls out of our bodies and drain us of all happiness. Where there are humans, there is a vast propensity for infinite kinds of dysfunction.
I’ve personally experienced a vast array of prickles in my work relationships, with bosses, colleagues, and people I’ve supervised. They always seem to blindside me. Usually, my clients and I can intuitively feel that someone is becoming frustrated with us or guarded around us, and more frequently than not, we don’t know why. Or, we become upset with someone unexpectedly, and we’re not sure how to handle it- ‘Am I making a big deal out of nothing?’ or, ‘does that thing he just said mean what I think it means?’
A Harvard Business Review article came out on Valentine’s Day, 2020. It was titled ‘How to mend a Work Relationship’—what an appropriate day to talk about emotion and connection at work! The authors reviewed over 300 studies published in management and psychology in the last 15 years. They identified three practices to help us all navigate prickly, tense relationships with more resilience and efficacy, regardless of how the relationship went sour. This is my spin on those three practices!
1/ Get those emotions in check… on both sides.
The best first step in a strained relationship is to acknowledge your own emotions and try to pull up out of the emotional fray and help the other person do so as well. If you are they are feeling heated, take a time-out. As much as needed to calm the emotion-center of your brain and restore your body chemistry. Also, remember, and ask them to remember the good times AND positive aspects of your relationship, despite the current difficulty. This can give you both a much-needed dose of oxytocin and a broader perspective. Finally, express a vision for what you want in the relationship in the future, and what you want to give to them through your relationship in the future. This will allow you both to get un-stuck from the current emotional torrent and put your higher selves behind the wheel, as opposed to your egoic, survivalist habits running the show.
2/ Create rational, shared understanding.
We all spin narratives and create stories, especially in conflict. It’s vital for both parties involved to share their honest perspective on what went wrong, and why. A complete, shared narrative allows both parties to see that it’s not the other’s fault, but rather ineffective relating patterns and communication approaches that caused the friction. This also allows us to unlock the hidden opportunities in the conflict – the underlying needs that were unmet or threatened in past interactions. Then and only then can we understand how to shift gears moving forward and avoid future friction. We are all the monsters in someone else’s narrative. They assume we intended harm when we were just doing the best we could. Sharing our perspectives openly allows us to come out of this harmful bias toward judgment and blaming the other person’s character. We see that their intent was good, it was the approach that didn’t work for us.
3/ Get curious and creative!
I often talk about the ‘Path of Learning and Creation’ and how we should strive to be on this path in relationships and in life, as opposed to the survival path, where we are self-focused and prone to repeating old, habitual dysfunctions. The Path of Learning and Creation is one in which we get curious about the true nature and complexity of relational dynamics, and focus on what different situations or outcomes we want to create. We don’t dwell in resentment or blame- we step up and lead. Lead our relationships to a better place. Be open to new relational habits, preferred by the other person. Be curious about why the other person had the interpretations and reactions they did, and what you could do to address their needs. Were they feeling undervalued? Protective of their staff or team? Be curious about your own reactions and explore what’s most important to YOU in this relationship moving forward.
Now that we’ve explored this brilliant, proven advice, let’s admit what we’re all thinking—what if it’s just not best to open up and work on your relationship with someone? There are certain situations in which the other person in the prickly relationship is unwilling to listen or change. Or, when their behavior was so egregious (harassment or verbal abuse) that it’s unhealthy for you to be vulnerable with them, at least for the time being. Or, maybe you don’t NEED to have a good relationship with this person in order to be successful and fulfilled at work, and it doesn’t seem like either of you care enough to do the work it will take to get the relationship back on track. Sometimes it really is best to find ways to work around an unproductive relationship. However, most of the time we do need that relationship to be functional in order for us to have ease, productivity, and success in our work. Trust is easily eroded at the drop of a hat, and difficult and slow to rebuild. The more proactive we are in addressing the pricklies when we feel them, the easier it will be to work our way out of the relational yuck!